After watching pro football’s latest “big game,” I took some time for reflection. This wasn’t like most championship games. Since it was a very one-sided contest, I was appalled at the game’s outcome. Given the record number of folks who tuned in to watch the game, and the travesty of having a lopsided, unequal outcome, I have decided to call for the federal government to intervene to ensure future pro-football contests have a fairer, more equal outcome. This new equality will not just be in the final score, but also in the distribution of the financial spoils generated from the contest. And most importantly, to ensure the least amount of hurt personal feelings are generated.
The first item to be addressed is a full, equitable sharing of revenue generated by the big game. Without the fans, there is no revenue generated. Team owners must realize they didn’t build the roads and other infrastructure elements that provide the venue for the game. Consequently, all revenue generated should be shared with all the states. That includes states without football teams, since their populace also contributes to the federal tax dollars used to build the roads. Revenue must also be equally shared with all the other football teams and all other players since without their existence, the football league would not exist.
In regards to player personnel, everyone must be allowed an equal chance to participate. We can no longer allow the league to discriminate against anyone, for any reason. Yes, this means all team personnel must play the same amount of minutes. In addition, the player rosters must be reflective of the general populace of the country, to ensure both diversity and inclusiveness. And if it takes strict affirmative action regulations to meet the population percentage numbers, so be it! Once this is accomplished, we can set our sights on other important measures to ensure fairness and equity remain hallmarks of the league.
Team player physical attributes must be measured and steps taken to ensure all teams have equally capable and talented personnel. But because of the uniqueness of the human animal, some slack can be given to certain team members, as long as the team average meets the league prescriptive requirements. An example of this would be: “5.0 second – 40 yard sprint” team average. Some others would include, but not be limited to bench press strength, endurance limits, vertical jumping ability, years of experience, and capabilities of both kickers and punters.
For team administrative and coaching personnel, the same diversity regulations would also apply. Some type of normalization factor would also need to be developed to ensure teams having more success in winning (Oh, the horror!) do not continue to dominate the league. Compensatory measures could include a reduction in player personnel numbers each time the team reaches a specific winning percentage. We cannot allow the status quo, inverse draft order to be the only team equalizer. It does not work. We all know of a team that continues to make the playoffs, year after year. They must be forcefully stopped, in the name of fairness.
Finally, the feds can no longer allow the players of the winning team to receive and wear ostentatious gold and gem encrusted rings that boast of their accomplishment and rub it in the face of the rest of the world. From this point forward, both winning and losing team personnel must only receive identical participation ribbons. In addition, personnel are prohibited from displaying their ribbons in public, for fear of hurting someone’s feelings. It should be enough that both teams’ personnel know they participated in the game
League rules must also be overhauled. We can no longer allow derogatory terms, such as a “personal foul” to be used to describe an infraction where one player appears to try to harm another. After all, the use of such terminology may forever tarnish this player’s self-image, and we all know he / she didn’t intend to do it. From this point forward, this type of infraction shall be called an “Oops – I didn’t mean it” infraction and result in not just yards being marked off, but also include the offending player being assigned a “time-out” (which is not the same as a game clock “time out”).
Other rules must be implemented so some teams are not disadvantaged by another team’s unique strategies. Hurry up offenses are easily curtailed by instituting both a minimum and maximum time clock for running a play. Player injuries are also easily compensated for by requiring the other team to “sit out” their corresponding player to the one injured. There is no equitable reason why the injured player’s team should be penalized by having their roster of players reduced while the other team remains at full strength. And for all games played in “Chicago”, the on-field officials can only use dog whistles.
Many additional fan regulations must be implemented, for the sake of fairness, equity, and good health. Stadium signage will necessarily increase to include instructions and directions in every known language. And because it is physically impossible to have everyone in the stadium have the same seat location in the stadium, the most fair way of distributing seats would be for everyone to pay the same ticket price and the seat location for every patron be chosen by lottery. This lottery proposal would not be applicable for season ticket holders since season tickets would necessarily be eliminated. We cannot have people with more money being able to reserve seats, year after year. And after being fortunate enough get a seat for one game, one will not be eligible to get another seat for years to come until all other deserving persons wanting seats have received their seat entitlement.
While you are at the stadium, all unhealthy and dangerous foods and drinks will be eliminated. And you will not be able to bring in any outside food or drink items. Beer and soda – absolutely not! Only filtered water will be available at the stadium in a bulk state – you will need to bring your own BPA free container to be filled. And it can hold no more than 8 ounces since the potential load on the sewage systems is to be minimized. Hot dogs / French fries / cheese steaks / pizza / sushi / etc. – no longer available – they will be replaced with organic fruit, nuts and berries packaged in edible or biodegradable packets.
And don’t think you will be able to wear anything you want to the game – the ticket attendants will be carefully scrutinizing the garb of the attendees to ensure no one is insulted or their feelings hurt by what is written or shown on the clothes. And taking in signs or other paraphernalia – that is verboten. I can hear my mother now – “you’ll put someone’s eye out with that thing”.
Enjoy the game, folks!